please empty your brain below
It's a mystery.

Gordon | 06.08.21 - 7:05 a.m. | #

This post is problematic in a number of respects. Have you been hacked?

Frank F | 06.08.21 - 7:32 a.m. | #

maybe it's one of those rare 'guest' blogs, while DG is actually away having a wild weekend.

PJS | 06.08.21 - 7:51 a.m. | #

I don't see it as problematic at all, rather quite poignant. A very thought-provoking read, thank you DG.

THC | 06.08.21 - 8:16 a.m. | #

Is it a sum as shown, or a product?

Wolf | 06.08.21 - 8:25 a.m. | #

One of the biggest barriers to sex can also be from being IN a relationship.

daveid76 | 06.08.21 - 8:30 a.m. | #

Yes, thanks for a thought-provoking blog DG. Life can be most unpredictable. After a long spell culminating in what’s popularly termed a ‘breakdown’, my life restarted in my 60’s. I remarried in my 70s - so sex is now a joyful part of life as I inexorably and hopefully head towards my 80s. Yet, if anyone told me in my 40s that this would all happen I’d have been very sceptical. Best not dwell on the past. Expect the unexpected with an open mind and no assumptions.

Herbof | 06.08.21 - 8:36 a.m. | #

How is this problematic? I can't bear how that word is dropped like a grenade, without context or explanation.

Mike Newman | Homepage | 06.08.21 - 8:40 a.m. | #

No grenade intended; I've no issue with the content but the narrative style and choice of language lacks DG's usually elegance.

Frank F | 06.08.21 - 9:07 a.m. | #

Perhaps the relevant operator is not addition or multiplication (although one or the other or both might be involved by accident or design) but rather a conjunction or intersection.

And while one or more partners is lovely, self-service is always available.

Andrew | 06.08.21 - 9:13 a.m. | #

Poignant, yes.

If I want to quibble with some of the conclusions, and I often do, my thoughts would centre round the idea that "having sex" is not always a well-defined category. It can have fuzzy boundaries, with things like heavy petting, solo sex, phone sex and many more being inside the boundary for some, outside for others.

But it is also a difficult topic to discuss in public. Many people may have interesting relevant experience, but would find sharing that experience (even with names removed) close to impossible.

Malcolm of Kent | 06.08.21 - 9:16 a.m. | #

Observing lasts is very difficult - even when you know an approximate time when it will be no more.

It's easy noticing the first swifts when they arrive for example, but listening out for the last - was that them or was it some children squealing in the distance?

I suspect they have gone now, so my last swift sighting was 26 July.

And no, that's not a euphemism!

Cornish Cockney | 06.08.21 - 9:50 a.m. | #

Frank F, DG is a person. He’s written a post on a notoriously difficult topic. It was probably a difficult decision on whether to broach this subject at all. As one of the first people to comment, I think you could have been kinder.

For my part, I think it is a poignant and characteristically well-written and thought-provoking DG post.

Thomas | 06.08.21 - 9:51 a.m. | #

Bizarre post. From the wording and earlier neutral references to "best mate", plus obviously never mentioning she, her, etc, I assume that you’re gay.

H. Gripper | 06.08.21 - 9:51 a.m. | #

I do feel a little awkward reading this, which may be what some of the early responses were hinting at. We know so little about your personal life in general but occasionally get these quite detailed glimpses which may give away more about your lifestyle than you realise. I'm feeling very prudish here!

Andrew S | 06.08.21 - 9:52 a.m. | #

Article - fine
Comments - direbolical

Desmond | 06.08.21 - 10:56 a.m. | #

Go on then DG, I'll make the comment you've probably been expecting.
This isn't a topic very far removed from the usual content on this site.
Erections in east London, whether that's Bus stop M, the Olympic Park, stations frontages, churches in the City of London, or, well, the lack of any.

Stuart R | 06.08.21 - 10:57 a.m. | #

Yes I think it’s similar topic to buses - very irregular - you wait for ages then several come along at once

Brian | 06.08.21 - 11:01 a.m. | #

Thanks DG. It is kind of you to share your inner musings with us. I am sure they hit home for many.

JJ | 06.08.21 - 11:12 a.m. | #

I haven't had sex for around twelve years (i'm 60) and although i didn't know it at the time it hasn't bothered me in the slightest. Don't know why but i suspect it's because i prefer 'uncomplicated' relationships. Er. Thanks for listening...

Milo | 06.08.21 - 11:16 a.m. | #

Thanks for remembering so fondly.
Let me know if you fancy a rematch.

Jane | 06.08.21 - 11:38 a.m. | #

It's interesting to ponder how many times we experience The Last Time while never knowing it. And sad to think of those Last Times ticking away unmourned until a long time after.

Scott | Homepage | 06.08.21 - 11:46 a.m. | #

I do enjoy DG's more personal posts, which are infrequent and all the more poignant for it.

Slightly mystified at the prudish (and bizarrely speculative) comments from those who seem only to wish to read about Bus Stop M.

It wouldn't be a DG post without an equation or a table of some sort and it delivers in that respect.

As for the matter in hand (fnarr fnarr) I think people either underestimate or deny its significance to many.

E | 06.08.21 - 11:56 a.m. | #

An entirely different kind of local history for August.

Anders | 06.08.21 - 12:15 p.m. | #

following an accident, I found that I'd become an old lady who walks with a stick. I'd been single for a few months before that,and once I was out of hospital I realised that nobody would be interested now, so I stopped looking for a partner.
That was nearly 10 years ago. I can no longer dance or go for long walks but I've found new activities and (platonic) friends. I can't remember the actual last time, though I know who it was with,and also many very enjoyable times previously.
That's what we need, good memories.

amber | 06.08.21 - 12:17 p.m. | #

A beautiful, thoughtful post, written in dg's unmistakable style. The flippancy and prurience of some of the comments is dismaying.

Sarah | Homepage | 06.08.21 - 12:54 p.m. | #

Thankyou for this wistful and reflective post, DG - I'm sure many of us will identify with. Though I note you did not entirely abandon your trademark wordplay.

cau1khead | 06.08.21 - 2:21 p.m. | #

With warmest wishes to DG and apologies to Jarvis and company, sing along:

"Do you remember the last time?
I just remember a fast time
But you know things have changed so much since then
Oh yeah,
I groan

I still wonder what you're doing
I wonder if you're still screwing
In my head, you still save a piece for me
Oh yeah..."

Chris | 06.08.21 - 3:35 p.m. | #

Having read this blog since pretty much since it started I find it fascinating how in some ways you share so much and yet in other ways we know so little.

Johnny Topaz | 06.08.21 - 3:41 p.m. | #

I also think a beautiful, thoughtful, rather brave post. It's rare to discuss things like this, and I love how you mix up your blog content with the occasional personal reflection. And there's an equation! (Applauds.) For me the equation feels the opposite way around though. I'd see opportunity as being whether I am open to create opportunities in my life for romance, either by dating sites or allowing myself to notice others in that way, and then willingness is the willingness of both people to proceed, so to speak.

Jayne | 06.08.21 - 3:46 p.m. | #

It wasn't so much the cessation of sex, as such, in one relationship that stuck in my mind, as something else. I'd put it down to age and hormones rather than anything more but in hindsight it was the beginning of the end. The far more painful bit was one particular parting kiss which hit me hardest. There was no mistaking its meaning: it was a last.

RogerW | 06.08.21 - 5:07 p.m. | #

Is 'no' a valid answer to your opening question if there hasn't been a first time?

dg writes: see antepenultimate paragraph.

null set | 06.08.21 - 5:35 p.m. | #

"for the rest of your life sex is just a memory."
Well, unless you die during sex.

My view is that everything you do has a last time, and I don't see having sex as being particularly special. For example, there is the last time I go to Great Yarmouth (which I hope is in the past), the last time I purchase a washing machine (unless I die soon I expect to buy at least one more), the last time I eat Mongolian food, etc., and in the future there will be the last time I go hiking, the last time I drive a car, etc., but to me these will have no significance, as well the last time I have sex.

John | 06.08.21 - 6:22 p.m. | #

Thanks, enjoyed this post very much. Like any of your posts, it's subject matter will only resonate with those who may have experience or an interest in it. I was going to say it will appeal to only a certain demographic but having read some of the comments by many readers who are even older than me I realise I am wrong. Obviously nothing to do with age, more to do with circumstance. To quote the old tune, " you never know what you got 'til it's gone"

Johnny C | 06.08.21 - 7:06 p.m. | #

Great post!

Many of the responses to this post are hilariously British! The fact that in 2021 someone talking about sex is described as 'problematic' says more about the person writing it than DG.

twolf | 06.08.21 - 9:39 p.m. | #

It might be because the cumulative number of years I have been reading this blog has itself reached the age of consent, perhaps even legal majority, but I find the brash comments a bit surprising and think the 'personal' DG posts define the blog. But we all take something different from an organ (sorry) so broad in scope.

Nico Hogg | 06.08.21 - 10:02 p.m. | #

Thank you so much for this post. However much or little sex we might have (or had) in life it is an inherently personal and meaningful thing. Our experience of it defines us as much as anything we experience. If anything, it's the closest thing to birth and death we can experience. It might be with another person, but how we react to it is something only we truly know: hence my appreciation of DG's thoughts he shares with us.

I'm in my mid fifties. I'm in a long term relationship, but however long we are with someone our own response to sexual intimacy is something we perhaps only truly experience alone. I'm old enough and rational enough to know that a last time will come one day. My hope is that I never realise it will be the last. I believe that whatever our age love - and sex - can surprise us when we least expect it - or, even better, that we believe we have given up on it, and the rug (and out sensible clothes) are pulled away from us. Here's to that!

David | 06.08.21 - 10:04 p.m. | #

It isn't something I've thought about. Quite interesting to ponder really. I am just pleased my years of hunger for sex has passed and now I simply don't care.

Andrew | Homepage | 07.08.21 - 12:29 a.m. | #

Sounds like it’s time for the blog-reading hive mind to do some matchmaking. Just let us know your type DG (must like bus stops).

Becky | 07.08.21 - 2:28 a.m. | #

I hope the other party didn't know it was the last time either. While I had no inkling my previous time was our final tango (and am hoping there are future opportunities with others, though currently lacking in opportunity and, if I'm honest to myself, willingness to go and create opportunity) she knew very well, having planned everything meticulously - urging me to make time for a long weekend somewhere she'd long wanted to take me but we'd never got round to going, and writing a diary entry to "talk to X" two days after we got back.

Very bemused by those commenting that this post seems out of character - to me it seems rather on-brand in tone and implication, and meshes with what DG's revealed about his living situations over the years. Maybe I've been reading along for longer than many!

W | 07.08.21 - 7:07 a.m. | #

Well, that was a fascinating response to an honest and thoughtful post. I'm still amazed that anyone found this prurient, problematic or that the language was challenging. I felt DG wrote sensitively and personally, and never projected onto others. I only wish more people could write about intimacy with such decency on the internet.

I'll leave the last word to the great Sir John Betjeman.

Mike Newman | Homepage | 07.08.21 - 9:52 a.m. | #

An authentic blog. It takes great courage to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means being open. Open to the hurt in life also means being open to the wonder, beauty and magic which surrounds us. All of which DG brings us daily.

Rod | 07.08.21 - 9:40 p.m. | #

I've had some of the best sex of my life in lockdown (not in the serious "only leave home for exercise"-lockdowns, but in the more relaxed " meet people, but only outside"-lockdowns). More of it, in more exciting ways, in more thrilling places and situations, with more spontaneity.

Not legally being able to spend time indoors with people from other households has been a huge boon.

sbce | 09.08.21 - 10:52 a.m. | #











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