please empty your brain below
If only it were true ...

Debster | 21.02.08 - 8:36 a.m. | #

Hmm, I failed the test and I'm a British citizen!

The worrying thing is that the real immigration test probably won't be much different!

Andrewh | 21.02.08 - 8:40 a.m. | #

hahaha, whatever are your answers, you will fail anyway, so don't buy it! :P

John T. | Homepage | 21.02.08 - 9:19 a.m. | #

If people want all the benefits of living in this Great Country, (and I assume that it must be a Great Country because thousands and thousands of people are trying every way they can to get here) including risking their lives hiding in container lorries, hanging under speeding trains and going through bogus Marriages just to get their feet on English soil then they should expect to have to make an effort to fit in once they arrive, If I were going to move to another country then I would make sure 100\\% that I learnt the language and familiarised myself with their customs before I got there, perhaps the goverment could even extend the requirement to learn English and be able to speak it correctly to the majority of the youth already living here who seem incapable of stringing more than five or six words together without adding the line "ya no what ah mean" or "innit". Clear speech and its correct use is a wonderful gift. "Innit"

fishislandskin | 21.02.08 - 10:11 a.m. | #

Oh damn it. I'm Australian. I'd love to live in England, but I'll never learn to talk like you mob in a million years >

Katisha | 21.02.08 - 10:16 a.m. | #

Which British values do you have?

* I haven't done a day's work in six years on account of my bad back and expect all my bills to be picked up by social security.

God, I'm turning into the Daily Mail

Scaryduck | Homepage | 21.02.08 - 10:17 a.m. | #

Far too efficient! Surely more likely that submitting on the online form will return no result, leaving the applicant in limbo, only to find out the outcome when they contact the Immigration office (on an 0870 number) three months later to find out how their application is going, only to be told that it was never received.

Wayne | 21.02.08 - 10:41 a.m. | #

I'm all for immigrants learning English and integrating, for their own benefit. I'm sure I wouldn't pass any real test either and I am British, but I did go to live in an un-British country 16 years ago: I learned and do speak the lingo (often better than the locals), I've made a point to study the local customs and I join in. I don't mix with the other expats or go searching for Marmite! It makes not an iota of difference. Outsiders are still treated (badly) as "outsiders", but then I don't actually imagine the UK is, or will ever be, any better.

Pamela | Homepage | 21.02.08 - 11:06 a.m. | #

I'm like Pamela - I've been here for 20+ years now and avoid the expat community as much as possible. Gifts of Marmite, Branston Pickle and decent tea bags are always very welcome though.

zed | Homepage | 21.02.08 - 12:09 p.m. | #

Not even £20k will satisfy you? Who are you, Neil Hamilton or someone like that?!

(PS. That riposte should guaranteee ctizienship on the spot)

Autolycus | Homepage | 21.02.08 - 1:35 p.m. | #

Like a lot of governement schemes,there's a good idea at the centre of all the daftness: everyone arriving here ought to learn the language and something about the culture.

The trouble is the actual citizenship test seems crazy - I saw some sample questions in a paper a while back and I couldn't answer very few of them. I didn't think the things potential citizens were being quizzed on had any relevance to my sense of being "British".

I prefer your version DG!

three-legged-cat | Homepage | 21.02.08 - 1:36 p.m. | #

I think that the reason it always fails is because it has lost the disk with the right answers. (BTW it is "send her victorious, ASBO's for all of us" isn't it)

Dave | 21.02.08 - 2:43 p.m. | #

Do you think this test could be applied to CHAVS so they can be deported to CHAV land?

Amused | 21.02.08 - 6:35 p.m. | #

I think it's all rather too little too late. A bit like shutting the stable door when the stable is already overfull and about to explode (in all sorts of ways).

I've spotted a less/fewer error today too; surprised no-one got there before me

Blue Witch | Homepage | 21.02.08 - 7:57 p.m. | #

It beats me why they all want to live in the UK.. Overpriced, dirty, etc., we've heard it all before..

BUT there again it's quite logical really.. Unlike, The USA, Canada, most of the EU countries.. in the UK there is no identity document..NO compulsion to register where you are living.. no wonder they all want to go there.. and disappear asap ..

BUT It should be.. No proof of residence & ID card? then No Job or telephone connnection.. No ID card? then no bank account.. No ID card and proof of residence..? then no health service... No registered address..? then no vote..
You're all such a soft touch..

Of course you'll all think I'm a fascho.. but I'm not..
I live outside the UK, had to learn the language to get a job. Like the others have already mentioned, I don't live a british ghetto and have certainly tried to fit in.. and have never had any problems, racist or otherwise, apart that is, from other foreigners who don't intend to integrate.

IsarSteve | Homepage | 21.02.08 - 9:14 p.m. | #

I've been here long enough to apply for permanent residence, but one look at the already existing test put me off bothering to put my application in.

I suppose I should get around to it before it gets even *more* silly. God knows if I can remember when St. David's Day is, or how many people own their own house.

Chz | 22.02.08 - 9:32 a.m. | #

Hahaha, that's pure genius. And also quite saddening...

miracle fruit | Homepage | 22.02.08 - 7:31 p.m. | #











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