please empty your brain below

“In London, Lime boasts, 97% of the population are never more than two minutes from a Lime bike. But on the other hand: you are never more than two minutes from a Lime bike.”
If DG has done the comments, does that mean that we have to do the blogpost today?
Obvious parody -- too few spelling / grammar mistakes! Not one misuse of there/their/they're.

PS. favourite username, RPeggio
You missed : "what all these latte-slurping e-bike users don't realise is that they're transmitting all their journey and location information straight to the new-liberal hive-mind in Silicon Valley"
I agree with DerekM re docking
Not quite realistic. No-one seems to have used the word "bro", no obvious cabbies and no ads about escaping from a cycle of drink and/or drugs...or maybe that's just me.
Clarxon is funny, but Obmit is hilariously familiar!
I'm with nutmegger179. Life is too short to have to deal with the constant drip of righteous anger on social media.
I used to love cycling, but have grown to hate cyclists in my old age. One of my favourite walks is along a canal tow path, but I now fear for my safety because of cyclists who come up behind you at speed without warning.
I can't imagine hating people just because of their mode of transport. You'd start to hate drivers after a couple cut you up or pulled out in front of you. Or hating pedestrians because one walked into you after not looking where they were going.

I find cycling on canal paths great. I always call out or politely ring my bell (sometimes ineffective if folk are wearing headphones/earbuds). The problem I find is with dog walkers - dogs off leads or the dreaded extendable (almost invisible) lead.

It could easily make a less calm person irritated or angry but you've just got to let it go, enjoy your journey and be thankful you're healthy enough to be outside and enjoy nature.
Where I live there is now a low level of mutual hostility between dockless bikes and EV vehicle drivers (and non-EV car drivers too).

A designated ebike/scooter parking bay was put next to a shared use parking bay which has a lamppost charger. The bike bay usually is massively overflowing (partly sloppy parking, partly because the operators are "stuffing" the bay with their brand of vehicle) into the shared use parking. And late night "servicing" noise too. Poor choice of bike/scooter bay.
Lime bikes are not just confined to inner London. They can be found all over Richmond/Twickenham as well. Badly parked on the pavements!
We assumne & presume there are enough parking places for cars, but don't carry that thinking across to urban bikes. A consultancy into the issue of hire bike parking recommends based on Lime trip and user survey data, 25 parking locations are needed per sq. km to ensure strong usage and parking compliance. This means > 10,000 additional parking locations are required across London.It would be King Canute-like to not provide parking spaces for Lime bikes and then be surprised they are left on a pavement. Easy to solve, more parking.
This obmiT fella is quite familiar.
Sadly too alike to the internet and all the countless forums.
From what I've heard from council officials is that there's no legislation atm so all they can do is rely on the cooperation of the private dockless bike operators regarding proper parking.

Also, if only TfL's own docked bikes had enough funding to expand (and more e-bikes) then it might take the sails out of these dockless bikes (plus not going doing things like removing the day pass -- now reinstated, and upping the membership cost).
I note a comment by someone called diamondgeezer partway through. Apologies if I have punctured the flow of the parody - I'll get on my bike...
Eerily close to the truth. I’m convinced you are a writer for Private Eye!
My big cycling grouse is the use of shared footpath/cycle paths by electric delivery bikes. It's just wrong that infrastructure designed for healthy exercise is being used by hefty and seriously fast delivery e-bikes, with little regard for other users.
Which of the comments in the comments section are parody comments by diamondgeezer and which are real?
Amusing that you mention the name of Human Forest, given that they've just changed it to Forest to avoid any potential innuendo (but then you knew that already)

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