please empty your brain below
"If only" is one of the most soul-deadening of thoughts. Brave of you to put this reflective post together - entertaining to read, but clearly painful to have been the person involved.

Waterhouse | 20.11.20 - 8:21 a.m. | #

Re. the first one: seriously, dg, when you go to someone's place for dinner it's not just for the cooking, is it? You go for their company. It's the same the other way round. Your friends won't care if you can't produce a meal worthy of a Michelin star. Give them something ready-made heated up, or order food for delivery. Or, if you really don't want people in your house, take them out to a restaurant. But after four visits to theirs, you really should have done *something*.

Suse | 20.11.20 - 8:22 a.m. | #

It's one way of looking at life DG, regretting what you haven't done, chances not taken, opportunities missed.

But, look at the other side of your Balance Sheet, all the things you have done, chances you did take, opportunities you did accept. Moments you did seize.

If your blog is anything to go by, you've seized the day many a time, and speaking for myself, reading about your exploits, you've certainly made my life richer as a result, and I thank you for it.

IanD | 20.11.20 - 8:26 a.m. | #

Intriguing and moving. Thank you.

Toni | 20.11.20 - 8:29 a.m. | #

B&O, Coulsdon: Beocom telephone?

MartinO'Holcombe | 20.11.20 - 8:30 a.m. | #

I can closely relate to this. There are a number of places I can't go anywhere near because they remind me viscerally of that unpleasant occasion, or that moment of inaction when a braver soul would've made a different choice, or where a positive decision made.. which was lived to regret at greater length. But, such is life.

Frank F | 20.11.20 - 8:34 a.m. | #

One of those posts that make me want to say something but I can't quite think what (happens more often than you might think).

Sarah | Homepage | 20.11.20 - 8:41 a.m. | #

As always, the Boys have the mot juste:

"I can't speak the language/But the chances that I've let/Pass me by and now regret/I can't forget/They're haunting me/ Like a score of unpaid debts".

We've all been there, mate.

David | 20.11.20 - 8:51 a.m. | #

Sorry dg, I have to agree with Suse on the first one. But I will add, having spent 25+ years as a single myself, that repeat invitations from couples is rare and definitely a sign that they enjoyed your company. When it feels safe to socialise, invite them.
Never have regrets though, but maybe stay off the gin!

Pamela Stocks | Homepage | 20.11.20 - 9:02 a.m. | #

First one - you did say they were hitched, perhaps the partner wasn't so keen, and four visits (for example were they both doing the work/clearing up for the meal, or was it just the partner), if your own skills weren't up to it, you could've made an offer to take them out somewhere.

On a more fundamental level, what are the reasons we keep in touch with people who aren't family (which is no guarantee) or work with, after that it's probably common interests, like hobbies, politics, religion and sex (or a combination).

Still Anon | 20.11.20 - 9:03 a.m. | #

A very moving post.

The best way of avoiding regrets is to take no risks. But a rewarding life requires risks. So regrets are the unavoidable downside of a full life.

One-sided relationships can work. DG may have offered one of the alternatives Suse suggests, but it was refused and he chose not to press the point.

Gin is dreadful. Or so it seemed to me with a rather similar experience. It was literally about 50 years before I tasted the stuff again.

Malcolm of Kent | 20.11.20 - 9:07 a.m. | #

It's not you, it's them.

Wole | 20.11.20 - 9:11 a.m. | #

My father told me on his death bed, make sure there are more "I'm glad I did it" than "If only's".

Michael | 20.11.20 - 9:38 a.m. | #

I agree - a very moving post.

Cornish Monkey | 20.11.20 - 10:02 a.m. | #

even down to the last poignant pic ..

the other eric | 20.11.20 - 10:05 a.m. | #

Well said Michael, and your father.

Waterhouse | 20.11.20 - 10:12 a.m. | #

Shame about the rekindled friendship. The ball is in your court now.

The alcohol-based one - I think many of us have been there, but not quite in such a spectacular and public fashion!

But I think the middle one saddens me the most - so near yet so far.

Cornish Cockney | 20.11.20 - 10:33 a.m. | #

*smiles wryly*

Blue Witch | Homepage | 20.11.20 - 11:59 a.m. | #

Thank you DG, for this glimpse into the inner workings of your world, at your musings on the things in life that simply go wrong, for whatever reason.

Like others here, I found it thought provoking and moving. It is good to know that there are others who also think and feel in similar ways, it somehow makes the experience seem more normal and OK.

I hope you have / can reach a place where you feel at peace with these regrets.

Sam | 20.11.20 - 12:32 p.m. | #

If is the saddest word in the English language (as well as a good film from the 1960’s).

If here also implies taking another course, which would not necessarily have better outcomes than you had by taking the course you have done.

As the naughty boy sang “always look on the bright side of life”

Richard | 20.11.20 - 12:39 p.m. | #

Oh DG - I love this post so much. It has a different vibe to so much of your blog. And for some reason hits differently at this time of year, you know?
Thanks DG :-)

Sashina | 20.11.20 - 12:51 p.m. | #

This is the kind of content I lurk for. Lovely post, DG.

X | 20.11.20 - 3:58 p.m. | #

Can I recommend "The story of the Taoist Farmer" as a soothing influence against the pain of regrets?

Nails UK | 20.11.20 - 5:00 p.m. | #

I can relate to most of these too.
But can I recommend listening to that famous song by Edith Piaf?

Bob L-S | 20.11.20 - 8:14 p.m. | #

This made me feel part of the human race. I’m not alone. You’re not alone. The thing is, you write, thoughtful and thought provoking posts, day in and day out. You’re a gem.

Sally Hirst | 21.11.20 - 4:47 a.m. | #

A harrowing read indeed... but made me feel relieved that I have scattered my own regrets over a slightly wider area!

Cau1khead | 21.11.20 - 10:20 a.m. | #

The Saturday morning read I wasn't expecting … and got me right in the feels. Oh, there is a post and a list I can relate to in so many ways.

And even when the world does change, even for the better, you are still left with the 'what if' and 'if only' from yesteryear. And it does leave you thinking. And pondering.

Jordan D | 21.11.20 - 10:27 a.m. | #

An absorbing and thought provoking post. Certain places and buildings certainly provoke thoughts about specific people or ‘issues’ in me but either I’m thick-skinned or insensitive, as I can’t think of any that raise regret. Perhaps its because I’m not a full time diary keeper, so life’s myriad of should-haves and could-haves slip into a more foggy past. There are some odd cases of some wish-I-did’s later turning into glad-I-didn’t. Who knows where the paths untrodden would have gone. It’s impossible to know. Every day can bring a new fork in the path - not that it feels like it in Covid-world. The present and tomorrow - with the benefit of thoughtful consideration of yesterday - are what matters, and that’s what I love about opening this blog each day.

NickW | 21.11.20 - 1:22 p.m. | #

Additional places of regret:
» Tower Hamlets Register Office
» Kestrel House, N1
» the 115 bus

diamond geezer | Homepage | 16.12.20 - 7:04 p.m. | #











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