please empty your brain below
Does anyone else remember when Boris Johnson promised he'd name the Dangleway after the then business secretary, Vince Cable? I'm still disappointed that never happened.

martin | 05.02.22 - 7:10 a.m. | #

I like how you've slipped in item 3 amongst an otherwise satirical post

Ian | 05.02.22 - 7:36 a.m. | #

I suggest making all Metropolitan services all stations and removing the fast lines between Finchley Road and Harrow, de-splitting bus routes (e.g. 29/329, 37/337, 52/302), running night buses for longer (e.g. start them at 21:00) and means testing free travel for children and pensioners.

I think the LT might start being withdrawn, I'm not sure about parts support after Wrightbus was bought out of administration, and the batteries need to be replaced on hybrids after so many years of use (v. expensive).

Still Anon | 05.02.22 - 7:50 a.m. | #

If they've checked voting trends in swing seats among the Tramlink, they probably wouldn't want to be removing services from Watford (a bellwether currently predicted to go red), Reading West (Alok Sharma's fairly marginal seat) or Chesham and Amersham, although Broxbourne, SW Herts, Brentwood & Ongar, Epping Forest, Maidenhead and Beaconsfield will probably vote Conservative anyway.

ASL | 05.02.22 - 8:43 a.m. | #

Reduce the scheduled running time on all bus journeys where regulative pauses happen on more than two days per week; and then reduce the PVR on days when more than 5% of the schedule is spent at termini.

Ian | 05.02.22 - 8:49 a.m. | #

I thought, as the governing party, the Tories could implement at least some of these measures without fearing any repercussion.

Patrickov | 05.02.22 - 8:52 a.m. | #

9 - it always used to amaze me how people moaned about the cost (and speed) of public transport in London. Used to be a website, tubehell.com iirc, that was dedicated to such wingeing. Used to get their goat on the forum when I'd say they were always welcome to pay/use alternative means to get to work - which was always too expensive/slow/unreliable/much effort. So few got the point.

8 - took the lump sum and started receiving my pension as soon as I could for this very reason. It's a lot harder to change something someone's already getting than it is to change the terms beforehand.

Putters | 05.02.22 - 8:55 a.m. | #

Oh and 2.

Naming such a large white elephant in the room as the dangleway after Boris just seems so ... fitting?

Putters | 05.02.22 - 8:57 a.m. | #

6. Selected buses in Edinburgh in 1970s played music on board, interspersed by adverts. I imagine it would be quite easy to adapt the announcing system on TfL buses to accommodate this valuable revenue opportunity.

Man of Kent | 05.02.22 - 9:05 a.m. | #

Ian's comment above is least likely to be implemented, as it's the most sensible !

Petras409 | 05.02.22 - 9:07 a.m. | #

Well the cut back in service intervals on the buses is gaining speed already. Almost every week another tranche of routes are cut back not only in Central London but in the suburbs too.

Dave B | 05.02.22 - 9:11 a.m. | #

Pedant alert - item 5 is incorrect: the DLR serves the Cities of London and Westminster constituency (at Bank), which has voted Conservative in every election since its formation in 1950.

Beefqueen | 05.02.22 - 9:21 a.m. | #

My apologies Beefqueen.

In which case we’ll just keep the Bank platforms open and close the rest of the DLR.

Grant Shapps | 05.02.22 - 9:32 a.m. | #

It's never a case of pulling everywhere else up to higher standards is it!

If London is to Level Down, why no talk of cheaper housing and lower prices all round!!

Cornish Cockney | 05.02.22 - 9:37 a.m. | #

6 - I'm disappointed that the most obvious sponsoring opportunity hasn't gone ahead yet:
"Overground becomes Uberground"

commonliner | 05.02.22 - 11:04 a.m. | #

Every word of this is pure gold - I'm convinced this is "actual footage" of official correspondence! Those tell-tale features of the punctuation, are enough to vouch for it's authenticity.

cau1khead | 05.02.22 - 11:04 a.m. | #

Since l successfully collapsed TfL via Section 114 bankruptcy, l am announcing a new organisation to run public transport in London. This will concentrate on running buses and trains only. All the green/cycling/roads and green crap will be passed to councils of the DfT. Following my universally acclaimed restructuring of the rail industry, l now give you “Greater London Transport”.

dg writes: been there, done that.

Grant Shapps | 05.02.22 - 11:59 a.m. | #

Naming bus routes after McDonalds menu items wouldn't make a profit, because they'd lose the money they currently get for naming all the bus routes after Chinese restaurant menu items.

yerrong | 05.02.22 - 1:31 p.m. | #

I can see some combination of 1,3,9 happening, including increasing weekly cap threshold to cap at typical 5 day commute, and removing daily bus cap, along with sharp price rises for zone 2+ fares, with a softener of enhancing hopper to encourage mixed "rubber & steel" tire journeys, and maybe scrapping rail travelcards and rail zonal season tickets for rail journeys that start outside London zones.

MilesT | 06.02.22 - 7:18 a.m. | #











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