dg comments

please empty your brain below

you could try a creepy one like "only one got away last night" or alternatively keep mentioning kittens

Peewit | Homepage | 16.05.14 - 7:05 a.m. | #

How about getting in there first and asking her how she is instead? That'll throw her and it'll be her turn to dodge the bullet.

Terry Ash | 16.05.14 - 7:09 a.m. | #

I usually stick with a nod of the head and a quick "Morning".

I'm always wary of saying "How are you?" because, even though you only said it to be polite, one day some bugger will only go and tell you in great detail how they are, and when they do it won't be all kittens and roses, no it'll be "I've got a stinking cold and the cat died last night".

Barry | 16.05.14 - 7:15 a.m. | #

My response when anyone says "I'm good"? is to wonder: Good at what?

Does no-one in your office speak British English?

timbo | 16.05.14 - 7:19 a.m. | #

And by telling the story here, you should gather enough good quality responses to keep you going for the rest of the month.

I'd say something like, "I tried to drink my tea too quickly this morning and scalded my tongue."

Dave | 16.05.14 - 7:30 a.m. | #

As timbo comments the reply "I'm good" is not a correct response. We used to say "very well, Thank You" or "Fine thanks" I first heard "I'm good" on radio 'phone in programmes, where the host in the studio would reply to a listener "I'm good". It puzzled me at first, as I did not think the listener 'phoning in was inferring that the presenter was a bad person.
An amusing reply to "How are you" is "I'm alright, it's all the others"

John | 16.05.14 - 7:42 a.m. | #

My reply is: No worse than usual!

Leuconoe | 16.05.14 - 8:02 a.m. | #

I'm still resisting the newfangled greeting "Yes (insert first name)!" at the moment, but I don't know how long I hold out.

Yes, DG.

Briantist | Homepage | 16.05.14 - 8:03 a.m. | #

I'm with timbo and John, I can't stand the "good thanks" response, and stick to "very well" or very occasionally "hot and horny as usual," just to see if the person is really listening to my reply. For me, "good thanks" should be filed in the same no-no bin as the request "can I get...". And your response about being "a six" honestly did make me laugh out loud.

Waterhouse | 16.05.14 - 8:17 a.m. | #

you need to GET IN FIRST.

say "Hi, How are you?" matching her inflextion, BEFORE she says it.

even better, if she says it to you first, say "Hi! How are you?", back at her as her response.

Does she really REALLY say this everyday, all the time.

A simple "morning!" suffices in places i've worked.

Geofftech | Homepage | 16.05.14 - 8:18 a.m. | #

I never really minded people that I share an office with asking me how I am, but what I really hate is when you walk into a shop and an assistant looks up and says "are you ok there" I usually respond with "Im ok here are you ok there", it seems to stump them and I usually get left alone from then on.

Fishislandskin | 16.05.14 - 8:28 a.m. | #

She really REALLY says this every day all the time (except Mondays, when we get "Hi, how was your weekend?" instead).

She's late this morning, so I suspect she won't be "good thanks" when she arrives.

diamond geezer | 16.05.14 - 8:28 a.m. | #

Mustn't Grumble.

winsleigh | 16.05.14 - 9:02 a.m. | #

I got away with an indistinct mumble this morning.

diamond geezer | 16.05.14 - 9:10 a.m. | #

I have got a bit wary of asking “How are you”

Back in early 2010 as the crisis really began to bite, I witnessed a grown man go into total melt down. He ended up lying on the ground in the foetus positon sobbing. He had to be taken away in an ambulance, All this happened in the local shopping mall. I heard from bystanders that the episode was brought on by another person asking “How are you”

Since then I only ask if I am really sure that the answer is going to be “Good”

Michael | 16.05.14 - 9:18 a.m. | #

Conversation (for want of a better word) at Toronto Union Station.

Business gent: Howya doin'?
Me: Good, you?
Gent: If I had a tail I'd be waggin' it.

Quite cheered me up.

allan | 16.05.14 - 9:20 a.m. | #

I used to work with a colleague, who was, by nature a well meaning pessimist. He would answer this greeting with "Dreadful". And that would be on a good day!

You could start a series of black responses, like 'Awful, Hopeless or even Fatal'. She might, after a while stop asking you then.

BTW, I wonder if she reads this blog, DG ?

Petras409 | 16.05.14 - 9:27 a.m. | #

In a French office, you have to say to everyone: 'ça va?' (how's it going?). To which the response is 'ça va' (it's going), but depending on the tone of voice used this can be interpreted as anything from 'it's excellent, thanks!' to 'I'm feeling really sad'

James | 16.05.14 - 9:29 a.m. | #

I have two default answers to this question: "bloody awful!", said with a cheery smile, which causes pleasing cognitive dissonance; and "clinging to the wreckage", which has become almost a catchphrase now. Per BL Taylor, "a bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you".

Radinden | 16.05.14 - 9:30 a.m. | #

If it's first thing in the morning, my usual answer is "I don't know yet. Let me drink this coffee and get back to you."

Chz | 16.05.14 - 9:41 a.m. | #

I'm glad you started out with a positive evaluation of the regular greeting; you clearly understand why she does it, and why many people have a similar habit, even though your (commendable) wish to produce a less predictable reply seems to be causing you some slight anguish.

The important thing is for everyone to feel reasonably at ease with the people they are working near. We are so built that this is possible if there has been an exchange (even a very token one), but awkward if there has only been silence.

Even better than a token exchange, in one sense, is a proper conversation (even if short) with proper exchange of new information. That way you might make a new friend, and even if you don't, the general level of happiness is (usually) raised.

I think I'll stop waffling now.

Malcolm | 16.05.14 - 10:49 a.m. | #

You could try going all surreal with answers such as

Fish!
Mornington Crescent!
Kittens!
Sometimes, it is just a cigar ...

At least your colleagues talk to you. Mine closes the door as soon as I walk in, ignores my emails, scuttles past me if I see him on campus and refuses to sit next to me at meetings, going so far as to pick a chair up and move it to the other side of the table to sit on :(

Antipodean | 16.05.14 - 10:50 a.m. | #

@Petras 0927

To judge by DG's 0910 comment, she probably does!

@Waterhouse
The only correct response to
"can I get......?"
is
"No, that's my job. I'll get it for you."

What's wrong with "May I have....?"

"Please" wouldn't hurt either. In the old days when bus conductors actually handled money, (now we have conductors on the buses again, but soon no cash) every other word would be "please":

"Fares, Please"
"Aldwych please"
"Fourpence please"

timbo | 16.05.14 - 10:56 a.m. | #

"Good!" Aaaarrrggh!

First heard this response from an Alaskan friend of my son, and immediately corrected him. In England we say "Well" or variants thereon. Poor lad, they say West-East jetlag is the worst!

Bronchitikat | 16.05.14 - 11:10 a.m. | #

@ Timbo - Yes, I agree with please (and thank you). I usually buy one cup of proper coffee a day when I am in at work (I can work from home, so not every day). I am surprised at the amount of people who just say 'Latte'. I ask for my order with a 'please' and I am the only one who bothers to say 'thank you' when I pick it up. The barista now knows my name. Given I'm not a daily customer I'm sure it is because I'm the only one to say 'thanks'.

Antipodean | 16.05.14 - 11:11 a.m. | #

I lose track of the times I hear the reply "Not too bad".

James | 16.05.14 - 11:22 a.m. | #

My boss caught me in the street thenother week and said 'How are you' and I said 'Well, pretty terrible really', because we are having a grim time at work, and her response was 'Good! good!'. I suppose the charitable interpretation is that she wasn't listening...
In the Black Country the standard greeting is 'Yow'll roight' to which the correct response is 'Yow'll roight'.

Sarah | Homepage | 16.05.14 - 11:38 a.m. | #

PR people do it to me when they phone.

Whatever I answer, their response -- without listening to my answer -- is: "Good good good." Always three goods, without a pause.

Alan Burkitt-Gray | 16.05.14 - 11:59 a.m. | #

I don't immediately warm to "can I get...?" or "I'm good". But I have tried to put this down to them being new to me in the last few years. It's possibly a good thing, or at least harmless, that language gradually refreshes itself in such ways.

Malcolm | 16.05.14 - 12:03 p.m. | #

...don't anyone dare ask me this question! don't even think about it! my name i think giveth thee a clue :)
that being said...as the song goes: "always look on the bright side of life..."

Grumpy Anon | 16.05.14 - 12:05 p.m. | #

I wonder why this post has produced so many comments. Is it that DG has touched on a social nerve? More comments than usually arrive when it's trains or football or politics or kittens, anyway.

Malcolm | 16.05.14 - 12:19 p.m. | #

I usually reply "Well, I'm still here, aren't I?"

Audrey | 16.05.14 - 12:35 p.m. | #

You could try "How do you do?"

Andrew | 16.05.14 - 12:37 p.m. | #

"de-press-ed" or I say "don't ask".

Ed | 16.05.14 - 1:14 p.m. | #

@ Malcolm ... when is it ever kittens? I have to go to catoftheday.com for my daily feline fix :(

Antipodean | 16.05.14 - 1:17 p.m. | #

Growing up in Wales, "how are you?" was a question. Sometimes the answer would be short or neutral but a full answer was normal. If you didn't want a discussion then you could say "hello", "good morning" or something similar.

On moving to London one of the many culture shocks was to find that "how are you?" was primarily used to mean "hello". Any response to "how are you?" that wasn't both short and either neutral or positive was greeted with discomfort and confusion.

I still try to use "how are you" as a genuine question. I do sometimes use "how are you?" as a statement by accident; I hate it. I have also fallen into the trap of treating "how are you?" from non-Londoners on the phone as a statement, ignoring it and continuing the conversation. Twice they have clearly considered my behaviour rude (both from the north of England).

I do enjoy having fun with the stock London answers to my "how are you?":
"Not too bad" - "oh, then you ARE bad, then?"
"I'm good" - "what, as opposed to evil?"
"Alright" - "surely, you're fifty per cent left?"
"How are you?" - "no, I asked first..."
Confusion often arises as they don't realise they've answered a question.

Huw B | 16.05.14 - 1:22 p.m. | #

I just adore silly pedants who think they have a right to police the English language, irregardless of how it's actually used in real life.

Simon | 16.05.14 - 1:29 p.m. | #

I usually respond to such queries with, "Just spiffy." The tone in which I respond says the rest.

Mary | 16.05.14 - 1:29 p.m. | #

Was it Kenneth Williams who offered the phrase of an aquaintance, "Not without my stawberries"? I think it was to be used in all instances and only varied by tone of voice etc.

Gladys | 16.05.14 - 1:34 p.m. | #

@Simon your "irregardless" is clearly a trap set to catch a pedant.

Oops... I just fell in it!

Malcolm | 16.05.14 - 1:37 p.m. | #

@ Simon

I concur...and wonder if other non-British English speaking countries have such sillyness about strict correct usage. Is it a relic of a system based too much on class/education? If we judge people on how good their command of English is...then perhaps others may judge us on how good we are speaking/writing in other languages?

E | 16.05.14 - 2:13 p.m. | #

You could try a spot of AA Milne:
"Not very how. I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long time."

Nails UK | 16.05.14 - 4:03 p.m. | #

or, perhaps channel Marvin the Paranoid Android

"I didn't ask to be made: no one consulted me or considered my feelings in the matter."

Briantist | Homepage | 16.05.14 - 4:09 p.m. | #

"I thank my luck stars that someone cares enough to ask."

B | 16.05.14 - 4:19 p.m. | #

I believe in East Africa the custom when greeting a friend is to go through a lengthy sequence of exchanges, enquiring as to the health of one's spouse, children, cattle, etc.

Siwi | 16.05.14 - 4:46 p.m. | #

And how /are/ your cattle, Siwi?

Andrew | 16.05.14 - 4:51 p.m. | #

I'm in the situation at work where I see people every day in my section of the office, don't work directly with them, but was never introduced to them when I joined.

To start a conversation with them now means acknowledging that we are both aware of each others' existence but that we have mutually been ignoring each other for over a year, and somehow seems a very big barrier.

I concluded today that the tradition of your boss walking you round the office on your first day and you shaking hands with everybody but promptly forgetting their names is more important than I first thought!

| 16.05.14 - 7:36 p.m. | #

The simple reason it's gathered so many comments is that, unlike football, or even the tube, it's something that absolutely everyone has an experience of.

Sarah | Homepage | 16.05.14 - 9:10 p.m. | #

An elderly gentleman I knew would always reply 'No worse'.

Peter CS | 16.05.14 - 11:04 p.m. | #

It's the total insincerity of the question that gets me, so the answer (sometimes)is "none the better for seeing you, thanks."

Will DG 'do' the phrase "enjoy your meal" next? Equally insincere and meaningless, most of the time. I would rather do without them.

Good.

Temp | 16.05.14 - 11:10 p.m. | #

Don't tell me what kind of a day to have!

timbo | 16.05.14 - 11:28 p.m. | #

I had a check-up appointment with my doctor a couple of days ago and the first thing she said to me was...

Great Aunt Annie | 17.05.14 - 1:28 a.m. | #

When I first got to the UK (from NZ) work mates greeted me with "You alright?"

My first instinct was to think that I didn't look alright, maybe I looked upset or ill. Eventually I worked out this was a substitute for How are you? and started responding with "Good thanks".

Now I know the correct wording is
"you alright?"
"you alright"
said quickly. Although in my time in the UK I never mastered it and tended towards ignoring the question and responding with "hey how are you?"

wilees | 17.05.14 - 5:48 a.m. | #

why is it that when we're asked a question, we feel obliged to answer it

DG get over feeling obligated to answer ... treat it for what it is, a greeting and respond with whatever your normal greeting to a colleague would be (Hi Mary, good morning, lovely day isn't it)

Caroline | 17.05.14 - 6:09 a.m. | #

It could be rather sad, in some ways. On the one hand, this lady has clearly done the course and got the slides of hints on sympathetic management, but has cloth ears when it comes to picking up cues to anything she's not currently focussing on.

But heyho, that's her problem. You could try the evasive "Oh well, you know....." (with varying inflections, depending on how interesting you want to make it sound). Or you could try to be jolly with something like "Well, here I am again, large as life and twice as ugly*", or "Back again, no show without Punch, eh?".

*Not that I'm suggesting you really are, of course, that would defeat the object.

Autolycus | Homepage | 17.05.14 - 6:57 a.m. | #

@ Briantist ... oh My Goddess! My old mate Marvin.

"I think You ought to know, I'm feeling very depressed".

"Life, don't talk to me about life".

"I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side".

"The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million: they were the worst, too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline".

Plenty of fodder for witty comebacks with ol' Marvin.

Antipodean | 17.05.14 - 8:58 a.m. | #

Caroline, and recent others;
Sorry to lean towards pedantic tendencies, but I don't think that there's any such word as 'obligated'.

Yes, there's an obligation, but the verb is surely 'to oblige', not to obligate. Yes, no ?

Petras409 | 17.05.14 - 9:37 a.m. | #

So is it "Hi, how are you?" or "Hi, how are you?"

I feel that all there is between that and "Have a nice day" is that she seems to listen to the answer. She probably wonders what you're going to throw at her next. Verbally, that is.

Z | Homepage | 17.05.14 - 11:02 a.m. | #

My favorite response when someone answers my greeting with "good" is "I wasn't asking about your morals".

Frank | 17.05.14 - 4:33 p.m. | #

@Antipodean: So... you can imagine my utter thrill that I got to sit next to Stephen Moore himself when I went to the live performance of HitchHikers' (see BBC Radio 4 - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ) recently.

Briantist | Homepage | 17.05.14 - 6:05 p.m. | #

@Briantist I am SO JEALOUS!!!!! Did he do 'the voice' for you (although I guess it was played with a bit by the techies)???? I lurve Marvin.

Antipodean | 19.05.14 - 9:38 a.m. | #

@Antipodean: His voice was recorded - unlike everyone else's - which rendered the whole thing even more strange than it already was.

It must have been very strange for Mr Moore as he wrote the four "Marvin songs" (Marvin/Metal Man/Marvin I Love You/Reasons To be Miserable) two of which were used in the show.

He wasn't looking too good to be honest and he left before the show was over.

Briantist | Homepage | 19.05.14 - 4:58 p.m. | #

@Briantist ... that would have been ... odd. I had to look up the show to understand what you meant, but I think I prefer the original (the radio series, I mean).

Antipodean | 20.05.14 - 2:10 p.m. | #

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